11/11/24

Mood: Agitated
Listening to: (I'll Be There) In A Heartbeat (Yeah) - Clarence Clarity

Long time no see, I'm still alive. It's been a hell of a time since I last wrote in this journal, so I figured I'd pop by with some life updates.

Most of my time has been spent preparing for and working on some fursuit premades- surprise!! I'm chipping away at them rather slowly to make sure that I do everything correctly and make them actually worth someone's money, but I can show some progress of the both of them.

Image one shows my tiger premade, who's going to be a coral pink colour with hot pink stripes and a white underbelly. Choosing the species and designs was actually largely up to my audience, who voted on this and the other one I'll get into in a bit. I'm rather liking the current state of the foam sculpt, and I think it's my most symmetrical piece yet because I'm being extra fastidious about it. I think I at least have the shapes down pat, I think they really scream "big cat" when you see them. I just hope that'll still translate well once it's furred.

Image two shows the muzzle of the African Wild Dog I'm making, who will be butterscotch, purple, and white coloured. Yeah, I'm still only on the muzzle phase of this sculpt because I'm not at all confident in my canine shapes. Keep in mind that all of my fursuits until Hyson were cats of some kind, so canines are an entirely new thing for me to tackle and get right. Plus, I need to order more 1 inch thick foam since I greatly overestimated how much I have left at home here.

Other than that, I've been trying my hardest to get back into coding the rest of my art website before it's release. I no longer have a release date at this moment since I still have a few things left to fix as per my beta tester's advice, but I'm getting closer every time I work on it. I'm also trying to get back into drawing, slowly but surely. Currently I'm working on a traditional marker and coloured pencils piece with one of my new original characters, just something for fun to get myself back into the swing of things. Maybe I can open my commissions back up and actually keep them open soon...

Don't know how to segue into my next talking point, so I'll just say it bluntly: the election results have left me feeling disappointed, but ultimately not surprised, and I'm saying this as someone who isn't American. The Democrats did an abysmal job at their campaign, with Kamala vowing to do... virtually nothing different from what Biden is doing, which naturally left people feeling bitter. Especially on issues like Palestine, Roe v. Wade, and trans rights, the Democrats have offered nothing for their platform, except for "Hey, at least we're not Trump!" Which I mean, there comes a point where you have to wonder if that's any better, considering the fact that the Democrats were the ones who were happy with sending money and bombs to Israel, and Trump's just going to continue where they left off. Abortion? Trans rights? Cost of living? Climate change? The Democrats don't actually care, because if they did, then they'd be using their position of power to, I don't know, do something about all of these issues?

An interesting thing I've noticed, however, is that a lot of the people who are scared shitless about another Trump presidency are all white Liberals, and while many of these Liberals do belong to some minority groups, they seem to forget time and time again that their whiteness is going to protect them from what their peers of colour won't be able to avoid. I do understand being worried about how being LGBT, disabled, or poor might affect you over the next 4 years, but I can't help but to feel like the people who fearmonger to all of the BIPOC and immigrants living in America about how 'their rights are being taken away' kinda already... know what it's like to live under fascism? Because for them, it's an every-day occurrence? I can't take it seriously when people say that "Fascism has arrived to America," because while there's definitely been a rise in how many people have fallen down the pits of the alt-right, America (and Canada, by extension) has always been fascist, and a lot of the white Liberals who are pissing themselves over the election results right now are mostly scared about losing their white privilege, over anything else. Of course I'm worried about how the current and future state of America will influence the politics back home here, but I realize that my worries are of the lowest priority when it comes to the groups of people who are going to be affected the most by this.

What's more is that I think Canadians don't get the right to act like we're somehow above the same fascism that happens in America. Shit news everyone, but Canada is a nation that was built off of the genocide of First Nations and Indigenous people, and yet you want to act surprised about the fact that we're just behind the US in the way our government is turning more and more right-wing?! So many of you's want to go on about how you "can't even imagine such a thing happening at home," while you refuse to pay attention to the fact that Pierre Poilievre has had a consistent lead in the polls coming up to our own election next year. It's cognitive dissonance, and the more we gawk at America for how outrageous their politics are while telling ourselves "At least we're not like them," the further fascism is allowed to spread and change people's beliefs.

The future's forecast looks especially stormy, and while I'm definitely bracing for impact, I'm also looking into ways to help myself, my friends and my community to prepare for what's ahead of us. Of course, there's more that I wish I could do in my current position as a multiply disabled person who stays at home most of the time, but I'm still anticipating to see where I fit into my local community's struggle to make some change in this world.

All in all; this past month has fucking sucked, but I'm really trying to find some ways of pushing past it all and continuing on. Things are naturally going to get harder, but that just means that I need to push back with more force than before. I just hope I don't end up burning myself out again any time soon...

09/25/24

Mood: Exhausted
Listening to: Pretending To Be Drunk - Sparks

Hi everyone. Where do I even begin with everything that's happened since my last journal entry...

Suppose I can start with the fact that I'm currently working on coding my art website (err... was. You'll see why in a little bit) and it's going.. okay, I guess. There's many new techniques I've been trying with this website that are a lot more ambitious and put this website to same, as well as building layouts completely from scratch. I still need to go back and view what my beta testers have written for me in terms of the site's performance and accessibility and apply them to my site, but it was getting pretty close to launching and I had expected it to launch by the end of the month.

Yeah... that was before I got sick, and out of every other health problem in the entire world, I got one of the most painful ones- shingles.

And painful it was, to the point where I couldn't sit on my chair for very long as the rash happened to be on my left hip, completely nerfing my ability to code right then and there. Plus, I was extremely exhausted, both from the virus kicking my ass, and from the antivirals and Lyrica I was prescribed. I'm much better now- my rash is completely gone aside from some scarring that has remained, and I'm pain free, but I'm still feeling fairly exhausted since my body is having to play catch-up for the 2 weeks where I was stuck in my room and sleeping most of the day because I felt like a complete zombie.

That's the other thing- did you all know that getting sick can make OCD symptoms flare up and become much worse? I've also been having to deal with that over the past week or so as a result of being so physically and mentally exhausted from fighting the shingles. It's something I'm still recovering from after riding out the episode- the worst is certainly over, but I'm still suffering from my cycles and I'm completely wrung out of my energy. Please, never develop OCD, and never get shingles while we're at it. Get fucking vaccinated, please.

So I haven't really had the chance to sit down and code or draw anything since getting shingles, mainly because I am so exhausted and, therefore, demotivated to do anything remotely creative at the moment. It's a good thing I don't have any commissions to do right now, I'd feel terrible if someone had just commissioned me, only for me to come down with the world's most painful virus that sucked me of all my energy. Although lately I've been trying to express my creativity through my plushies and toy collection, since it's a good way for me to get my mind out of my sickness and focused on something more stimulating. I like being able to create lore and stories about my toys, and once I'm feeling better I'd like to start drawing them more, too.

Other than that, I'm just really trying to hang in there. I've been doing quite a bit of thrifting lately too, so I'll need to get back into updating my thrift log very soon. Most of my time has been spent in my room though, because everything else has been so exhausting for me. I really hope I can get over this soon, I'm afraid of going back to the state I was in back in April because that lasted for a long time, and I thought I was finally getting over it.

18/08/24

Mood: Post-con Depression
Listening to: Watercolour (Matrix & Futurebound remix) - Pendulum

Been a long time since I've sat down and written a new journal entry, hasn't it? In my defense, most of my life between entries has focused mainly on finishing my fursuit and preparing for the convention.

That's right I should mention, I finally finished my fursuit! He's just a partial right now, with a head, pair of handpaws, armsleeves, and a tail, but I hope to one day (when I have the money) expand him to be a fullsuit! Overall I'm trying my hardest to be proud of the finished product, and in a few ways I am because I had to learn a lot of new skills- I've never done things like a fully lined head, making my own pattern for the handpaws, making armsleeves, and generally taking my work more seriously and making sure I understand every step of the fursuit-making process. On the other hand, I also can't help but to feel like his flaws make him stick out like a sore thumb, although nobody at the convention who complemented my suit seemed to notice.

 

On a similar topic, the convention was a wonderful time! I'm no stranger to conventions, but I considered this to be my first venture into the full furry convention experience, since my last year at this convention was just to attend the Furby panel and nothing else. But I'm happy to say that the convention was a success! It was also my first time staying at a hotel room by myself, which I think went pretty smoothly (even when I had a bit of trouble with my keycard, which I'll go into a bit later.)

To give a summary of my events, I'll write a brief bulletpoint list of what I was up to at the convention.

Friday:

           
• Got into my hotel room in the morning pretty smoothly and settled into it before heading to my first panel, which was appropriately titled "THOSE DARK CANADIAN CARTOONS TURNED ME INTO A FURRY!" It was part slideshow, part gameshow where we had to yell out the names of the Canadian TV show that had anthropomorphic animals in it. My knowledge in obscure Treehouse TV shows got me a score of 30, by the way.
                       
• Then I met up with my friend and talked with them and it's friend in between panels, before the next panel would start. This one was hosted by FurScience, who are a group of scientists who study various fandoms, most notably the furry fandom! This panel was mainly discussing the contents of their new book, which goes into the psychology of furries, including the demographics of the community, people's motivations for being in the fandom, how their identity intersects with their furriness, and a ton more. It was actually super interesting and fun, and I can't recommend diving into their work enough!
                       
• Afterwards I believe I went down to check out the Dealer's Den, which was very good this year actually. Got to deliver some badges with some of the vendors I did trades with, and ended up getting a good haul by the end of the con!
                       
• I also checked out a panel called "A Queerer History of Furry," which is exactly what it sounds. It was fun, but I headed out early because it was mainly stuff I already knew. By the way, did you know that Bugs Bunny was allowed to do drag back in the day because Warner Bro's was like "Yeah he's totally doing this to abide by the laws in place that state that gay people in media must be presented in a demeaning way. Yeah we're mocking people in drag by doing this, trust us"
                       
• Before I met up with my friends again I think I spent my time going back and forth between hanging out in the lobby in-suit and going to my room, but I don't quite remember. It's not important I don't think.
                       
• After that I met up with my friends again and went to the Bluey watch party, which was a lot of fun! Although I've realized that I can only watch Bluey in small increments, otherwise it starts to hit me hard in the trauma.
                       
• Afterwards, we all headed to our rooms. Except I mistakenly left all my keycards in my room for some dumb reason, so I had to go back down and ask for another keycard. Crashed pretty hard that night, but unfortunately didn't end up sleeping all that well for the next day.

Saturday:

           
• First thing in the morning was the plushies panel, and it was so very fun to be able to talk about my most dear special interest with a bunch of other like-minded people! Pictured above is the group photo we all ended up taking of all of the plushies we brought- mine is the tanuki sitting near the birthday cake bat!
                       
• Afterwards I hung out in my friends' room to hang out, which ended up cutting into the dance competition, but I didn't mind because I enjoyed talking with them! Actually, the room for the dance competition ended up getting full, so I had to watch part of it from the gaming lounge, where it was being livestreamed on one of the TVs. I didn't stay for very long though, since I wanted to eat and rest up a bit for the fursuit walk later that day.
                       
• Unfortunately for all of us, the fursuit walk got completely canceled due to the fact that a storm had just started rolling in when it was supposed to take place, so my friends and I decided to order a pizza and hang out in one of their hotel rooms. We had a lot of fun just shooting the shit and watching some videos, although it was strange to be the only person in the room who couldn't speak French LOL.
                       
• Eventually we made our way down to the night market, which I ended up getting into thanks to my accessibility needs, and it was fun to see what everyone had for sale! Didn't buy anything unfortunately since I got in late, and the rest of my group didn't end up getting in.
                       
• Later I went to the drum 'n' bass and happy hardcore DJ sets for the night dances, which was way more fun than I was expecting! It truly does hit different when you go to a rave and hear this music live.

Sunday:

           
• This was my quietest day, and started with watching the fursuit games with some of the friends I met the night before. I didn't realize you had to sign up beforehand to participate, but I think it was best for me because I was watching it and thinking to myself "I am way too disabled for this."
                       
• After that I had to clean out my hotel room and check out, and had to say goodbye to my friends since they wanted to leave early to head to the mall. I really wish they were both closer to me, it's never easy having to say goodbye to such wonderful people who made my convention experience unforgettable, but I know for sure I'll be meeting one of them again next year!
                       
• Had a lot of time to wait for my next panel, in which I didn't really do much except be on my phone, walk around the hotel lobby a bit, and check out dealers one last time for some last minute shopping.
                       
• Last panel and event for my day was the Nub Club, where we all got to take a picture together of all of us and our nub tails! I left a bit early since I had to be picked up not long afterwards, which concluded my time at the convention

All in all it was an incredible time, and I'm not only planning on going next year, but I'm also looking to see if I can attend Furnal Equinox in March as well! So far I have the logistics worked out, I just need to figure out how I'm going to pay for a room at the main hotel (since I don't imagine I'll be able to adequately walk the distance needed to stay at one of the overflow hotels. Although, I do know they have a shuttle service, so I'll just have to see when it gets closer.) Below are some pictures of myself and some of the wonderful people I met this year.

And for good measure, here's my big haul from the convention this year! I think my favourite things I got this year include my fursuit kandi and collar, both of the badges I got from some of the wonderful artists vending at the convention (artists are JefferyDraws and King's Treasures respectively!) the Gatomon and fursuit head base keychains, the Furby and Galarian Ponyta stickers, and the disability pride pin!

---

On a more somber note, this August also marks one year since my beloved friend, Hyde, passed away. It's been a hard thing to cope with, knowing that he isn't ever going to come back, because I often get stuck wondering to myself what he's up to, only to remember that he's gone. His passing hasn't been easy for any of us who knew him well, but I feel relief in knowing that we're not going to let him be forgotten.

I hate to end this journal entry on such an upsetting topic, and it doesn't help that I've been experiencing bad post-con depression on top of all of this. August has become a hard month for me to get through, but getting in touch with my local furry scene and going to furmeets in the area has definitely helped me to cope with both Hyde's loss and the post-con depression, so I at least have those to continue looking forward to.

I hope to continue working on this site, now that I have more free time with the convention having come and gone. I especially want to get the shrine page for Hyde put together really soon, and I hope I'm ready to take on the task, as I imagine it's going to be a lot for me to handle emotionally.

26/03/24

Mood: Exhausted
Listening to:

Autistic burnout fucking sucks. I don't really know what's caused my burnout to happen because I'm not honestly someone who really knows how to mask, nor do I mask for very long periods of time, but I know that something is going on because it feels as though my autistic symptoms have been dialed up even more than they usually are. I'm getting more overstimulated more often, I'm avoiding large crowds of people more, my executive functioning skills are going down the toilet, and I feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue and lethargy, moreso than usual.

Despite this, I've been able to find some solace in working on my art projects, which makes this episode of burnout much different, since episodes in the past made me never want to look at an empty canvas ever again. Building my fursuit has been keeping me occupied most of all, since I'm really wanting to make sure I finish everything before CanFURence this year. As of typing this, I've finished my first ever nub tail, and I think it looks super cute and I'm very happy with it! This one uses a pattern from Mugiwara Cosplay on Etsy, which ended up being the perfect pattern for my project and was very easy to follow thanks to the video tutorial they provided.

Next I did the handpaws, which at first I thought the finished product looked like shit but I'm trying to be nicer to myself with my work, so for now I'll just say they at least look kinda finished?! I did give them another shave after this photo since there were still some pieces of fur sticking out, but at least they're done. Really, they were my first real pair of paws that I made that weren't just mittens covered in fur, so I suppose with that in mind they didn't come out that bad. Although next time, I think I'd rather use minky for the cuffing instead of bias tape, since bias tape has no stretch to it and it makes getting the paws on a bit harder when I already struggle with my fine motor skills. (I actually finished these in May, but wrote this entire journal entry in March. Hello from the present!)

I've also been able to get the inner pattern taping done for the head, but as of right now, there's not much more work I can do on the head, not until my mannequin head comes in the mail. I am pretty nervous for this process, as I've never sewn my own inner lining before, but I'm also looking forward to the learning experience that this will provide me. I'm also very, very nervous about the furring process, but it's not like this is my first fursuit that I've done with sewn seams, and this time I know not to just use a whip stitch for everything, so I'm at least blessed with having way more knowledge than I had on past projects.

I've also been working very hard on building up my art portfolio in order to open up commissions soon- I'm hoping to have them open by the end of April into early May, so long as things continue on schedule, but there's a chance I might have to push them back a little bit more if I continue to have flare ups and/or my burnout gets worse. I know, it probably isn't a good thing for me to be working myself through a burnout, but right now, art is just offering a much-needed outlet of expressing and distracting myself, and I figure that it's a plus if I'm able to earn a couple extra coins at the same time.

I like to keep my art brand and my personal presence on the internet relatively separated, but I don't imagine it would hurt if I shared my current art website with you all. Right now it's just a basic website that's been built with Carrd, since I don't have the drive to code an entire website from the ground up right now, but one day I'd love to make a separate Neocities website dedicated entirely to my artwork and commissions. Carrd does just fine for now though, especially because they make pretty accessible websites which is a top priority for me with my art website.

Other than working on my art projects, I've been keeping things relatively quiet, as to not make my burnout any worse. Although I was highly considering attending the Queens Of The Stone Age show that happened in my city just recently, but I unfortunately had to make the hard decision of not going in order to save myself from any potential meltdowns or worsening burnout, despite how badly I wish I could've gone. To make the decision even harder for me, QOTSA just so happens to be one of my favourite bands of all time, and I almost never get to go to concerts since the bands that I like only come to my city very infrequently, so this was a perfect opportunity that was calling for me. It just unfortunately had to happen at the worst time when I can't guarantee that a concert is even going to be a good time for me.

Well, I'm stopping this journal entry before I get too sad. All in all; things could be worse, but things could also be much, much better for me right now.

22/01/24

Mood: Loved
Listening to: The Moment - Tame Impala

I'm finally back from my trip to see my partner, and it's safe to say that it's easily been the best week of my entire life, I don't even know where to start with writing about how wonderful my time with them was! I suppose I can start with going in chronological order..

---

Day one: My flight was scheduled to leave around 2:30 in the afternoon, so I left for the airport relatively early to make sure that I had enough time to get the wheelchair assistance and to get through security. I guess that might've not been enough time though, because getting the wheelchair assistance at Orlando International (MCO) was such a headache for multiple reasons.

First of all, the wait-time to get through security was well over an hour long, likely because it was still the beginning of January and people were trying to get back home from their Christmas celebrations- the fact that there was a separate and much shorter line for wheelchair users essentially saved my entire trip because, otherwise, I would've easily missed my flight. Secondly, getting the wheelchair assistance itself took so long because those who had missed their flight due to the long security lines were being funneled into the wheelchair assistance lines at check-in, for some dumb reason. Third of all, I had no idea that I was supposed to get a separate boarding pass printed out from one of Spirit's kiosks, so getting that done ate up more time. By the time I got all of that done, I had just an hour and a half left, which was time that I desperately needed especially when I was also scheduled for pre-boarding.

Otherwise, my flight and deplaning went pretty smooth (although, the flight itself there was very bumpy in terms of turbulence, and I easily would've shat myself if I wasn't already an experienced flier beforehand,) and after meeting with my partner we decided to go to Five Guys to get some dinner before we went to their place to watch some Dan Vs. and Trailer Park Boys, before we called it a night after my very long day.

Day two: Day two was pretty quiet as I needed some time to recoup from my travel day, so we spent a lot of it doing small errands, taking drives around the city, and watching MASH and more Trailer Park Boys.

Day three: On Wednesday we went to the museum! It was a pretty modest museum, and Ghost themselves says that it's likely been downsized since they last went as a child (plus, there were many sections that were closed for refurbishment,) but it was still a fun outing- really, doing anything with them ends up being a lot of fun! They also got me this adorable Wild Republic Cuddlekins plush of a little brown bat that I cherish so much. He didn't have a name until I came back from my trip, but Ghost lovingly suggested that I name it Radar, after Radar O'Reilly from MASH! (Sidenote: You'll be seeing MASH be mentioned multiple times throughout this journal entry, we watched a ton of it...)

We also got to the "building IKEA furniture together" phase of our relationship that day, as I need to have something to sit on while I shower due to my disabilities, and asking them to buy me an actual shower stool just for me to use it only a couple times a year would be insane, so it had to be the IKEA stool. I think it was the ultimate test to our compatibility as a couple though, and while we did get a bit frustrated at times with the lack of words on IKEA's instruction manuals, we eventually got it built properly. Although I still can't believe what our first attempt looked like...

We ended the day with Whiteclaws, indica gummies, sativa vapes, and a night out for dinner at Chuy's for some good tex-mex! It was actually my first tex-mex experience and I was not at all disappointed with what I got- I ended up getting the chicken flautas, which are corn tortillas filled with roasted chicken and cheese that are rolled, fried and topped with smoky Chipotle sauce. I ended up getting the guacamole and sour cream on the side, but both were very good, as well as the refried beans! I wasn't a huge fan of the Mexican rice, but that's just because I'm not much of a rice person.

Day four: Our fourth day was another relatively quiet day, especially with the amount of pain I was in after our venture out to the museum the day before, so we took it easy again and passed the time with some driving and MASH marathons.

This was also the day when Ghost attempted to take me to this cool comic book store that they've been wanting to show me for ages, only for us to get there and realize that it was closed... We still had a fun drive out despite that though, and they took me to see these murals that they spotted while out on the road one day which were very cool! I love seeing art out in the open like this...

Day five: Another fairly quiet and relaxing day, we spent pretty much the entire time watching MASH, to the point where we're now up to season 5 if I'm remembering correctly! Enjoyed lots of Whiteclaw between each other, and this was also the night we ordered some really good pad thai and springrolls for dinner! Most of the day, however, was spent with me resting up to prepare for our adventure the next day...

Day six: Saturday was our day to go to Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and we had so much fun!! I think I might've even gotten my partner even more interested in roller coasters, because it was their first time riding any for a long while!

We started the day by riding The Joker: Carnival of Chaos, which isn't even a roller coaster but was still a ton of fun! Usually I'm not a big fan of flat rides since a lot of them involve spinning (which is my one and only motion sickness trigger,) but the spinning on this ride wasn't nearly as bad as some of the other ones in the park!

As for the coasters we did end up going on, here's a list of what we ended up doing:

• Boomerang: Coast to Coaster - Not much to say about this one, just your average Vekoma Boomerang coaster. I don't find these super rough, but maybe that's just because I've experienced rides like Le Monstre at La Ronde which ended up making me so nauseous from how rough it was.
• Iron Rattler - Probably my favourite coaster in the whole park! Even after all these years later and with more extreme coasters under RMC's belt, Iron Rattler still packs a good punch. It also has the benefit of being in one of the most beautiful parts of the entire park, and I love how it uses the land formations to it's advantage in it's layout. It also ended up being my first RMC coaster ever!
• Dr. Diabolical's Cliffhanger - This one surprised me with the level of theming that went into it- it's nowhere near being the most theming I've experienced in a roller coaster, but compared to most Six Flags rides that just get the bare minimum, I was pleasantly surprised by the work put into building upon the ride's story. B&M dive coasters are also just a lot of fun in my opinion, and are best enjoyed in the company of someone you love.
• Poltergeist - What a fun ride this is!! It may be small in height, but it still offers many great thrills that you don't really see at many other amusement parks! The compact layout also offers many head-chopper moments. The theming in the queue is also a lot of fun, and I love the way that the safety briefing videos are stylized like old black-and-white silent films.
• Wonder Woman: Golden Lasso Coaster - Another first for me, this time being my first RMC Raptor coaster! This one's pretty fun too, and really whips you around each element of the ride's course like nobody's business. I must say though, these things have terrible capacity, and it was easily the longest queue we had to wait in all day- it was running one-train operations at the time, and two of the seats on the single train they were running were out of order. I couldn't imagine what it'd be like to wait for this ride if I were to go for their busiest season...
• Superman: Krypton Coaster - An oldie but a goodie- this coaster is actually just a little bit older than I am, yet it still runs beautifully! I'm always a sucker for B&M floorless coasters, and this one definitely satisfies my need to ride even more of them with it's powerful 6 inversions and interactions with the quarry wall that surrounds the park.

We sadly didn't have the time to do coasters like Road Runner Express, Goliath, Kid Flash Cosmic Coaster, Streamliner Coaster, Batman: The Ride, or Pandemonium, with the last two being because they had spinning and that's the one thing that I just can't do, but I'm still very happy to have gotten the credits that I did, and this just means that I'll have to come back in the future!

A note about the rental scooters at Fiesta Texas however: they're in dire need of being replaced, because they're super old and may even be on their last legs. When I was at the rental booth, I was told that the scooter may sometimes stop in the middle of driving, start beeping, and refuse to move anymore, in which I'm supposed to turn it off and back on again. This happened to me multiple times throughout the day, and while the solution I was given did work, it was only temporary. They're also generally pretty clunky, slow and take up so much space compared to my own modern scooter that I have back at home. I know nobody from Six Flags is going to be reading this blog post, but I beg of someone to please send the message that they desperately need to get some new mobility aids for their rental services, at least something that doesn't shut down on you while you're in the middle of driving somewhere!!

That aside, our day at Six Flags Fiesta Texas was wonderful, and I thank all of the staff members there who were very helpful, friendly and accommodating for my needs! I was very sore by the end of the day though, so we just kicked back and relaxed for the rest of the night with some weed and alcohol.

Day seven: I was still fairly sore and tired by the time Sunday rolled around, plus I didn't want to over-exhaust myself for my return trip the next day, so we pretty much just laid back around the house and had even more Trailer Park Boys marathons! I also got a little bit of packing done (well, as much as I could get done at the time,) but most of my day was spent curling up with Ghost and kicking back.

Day eight: The saddest part of the trip, the day I had to return back to Florida where I'll stay for the rest of the month before returning back to Canada. Most of my day was spent packing, cuddling with Ghost, taking a drive to the CD exchange store, and watching a few more episodes of Trailer Park Boys before I had to leave for my flight later that night. I cried a lot that day, because for once in my life I genuinely felt safe, cared for, and loved unconditionally, and I had no choice but to leave all of that behind.

Getting my wheelchair assistance was much easier this time, and the airport was also much less busy at the time and date that I chose to come back, so getting through TSA and to my gate was a breeze and was left with a lot of time to kill before boarding began. It wasn't a problem though, as I'm someone who prefers to be at the airport and at my gate as early as possible to make sure that I actually get on the plane and offer myself plenty of time in case a problem comes up that needs to be solved, especially considering my support needs. My assistant was also funny as hell, and when I told him that I was visiting a friend, he said "Haha sure, a 'friend,' I saw you two kissing when I came to pick you up!" I'm just so used to referring to Ghost as my friend to people in real life that it's almost second nature, but in their own words, 'we're both friends and lovers!

Weird thing happened on my flight back home though. When calling Spirit before my flight, we made it clear that I was going to need assistance with putting my carry-on luggage up into the overhead compartments, since I didn't check-in any of my luggage. I guess that was a mistake though, because when I asked for help with this task on the plane, I was told by a stewardess that they weren't allowed to do that, which is really fucking weird considering the fact that I did end up getting help with this on my way to Texas...? Luckily I was able to get my luggage where it needed to go, but I can't imagine what I was supposed to do if I wasn't able to lift my luggage at all and didn't have the help I desperately needed, especially when I have a medical condition that caused my doctors to recommend that I don't lift anything too heavy to make sure that I don't hurt myself. Very bizarre and honestly rather disappointing on Spirit's end of things- this is an accessibility issue and I hope that this was just a fluke that mattered more on the flight crew that I had rather than an actual company policy.

Other than that, my flight back went well, and wasn't nearly as bumpy as it was going to Texas. I landed safely in Orlando that night, and was driven back to where I'm going to be staying for the rest of January.

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I truly can't overstate how amazing my time with Ghost was. Even with the few flare ups I had and the sometimes shitty weather that got in the way of a few of our plans, I still had an incredible time with them and I already miss being with them so dearly. Not everything went to plan, such as going to the art museum one day or going to the mall, but spending any kind of time with them doing anything makes my heart swell and I'm still so glad that I got to spend some time being in their presence. It was also my very first time traveling anywhere by myself, and I wouldn't want to have done it with anyone other than them.

While our next trip plans are very much up in the air, we desperately want to meet up again, and it might happen where Ghost will come up to Canada to visit me sometime, or we may even go to Florida for some time together and experience what they have to offer! I think I might've gotten Ghost hooked on thrill rides, and that's something I'm very proud of for doing! No matter what we decide to do next though, I know I'm going to be happy spending any amount of time with them.

And to Ghost, if and when you read this (because I know that I will be sending you this entire journal entry once I'm finished with it,) I just want to thank you again for having me over and spending time with me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and these past four years being with you have been incredible with how loved and needed you make me feel. I've already said it to you many times before, but you're one of the few people whom I truly feel completely safe around and whom I can let my guard down around, and that's not always easy for anyone to do for me, but when I was with you I actually felt a sense of being grounded when I'm so used to watching my life go on from above my own body, and I long for that feeling again.

Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for everything you've done for me. If you told me years ago that I'd not only make the steps to go visit you in an entirely different country in an unfamiliar state, but to actually go completely by myself and do everything I needed to on my own, I wouldn't have believed you. But you were always there cheering me on and giving me the confidence to do all of this, and I can't thank you enough for it. I've had to experience some of my lowest points while I've been with you, but with this trip being at the start of the new year, I truly believe that 2024 is going to be our year and that things are going to get better for the both of us.

I love you so much, I love you more than anything in the world, and you're the most precious and special thing that I have in my life. Thank you for always being there for me and giving me your unconditional love and care, I hope I can always be there to return the favour for you because you deserve it and so much more. I hope our future is filled with many more adventures together, because you're the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you, Ghost, and I never want to stop loving you.

24.10.19 - ∞

15/11/23

Mood: Worn-out
Listening to: Nothing Is As Good As They Say It Is - Sparks

I can't sit still for the life of me and my mind can't stop racing; I'm finally meeting my partner, and I made the trip official just a few days ago! I really do mean it when I say that it's all I can think about, I don't think I've ever been more excited for something in my life, especially when we've been together for four years now and it's a topic that consistently comes up as something we've always wanted to do. But to think that it's finally happening, after years of me being so in love with them and wanting to show them a fraction of how much I love them, that in just under 2 months I'm going to be with the love of my life. I just don't know how I'm gonna be able to get through these next 2 months without exploding, I just wish I could sleep and have someone wake me up once January is here.

In other news... I've recently finished the foamwork for my fursuit head! This is my fourth fursuit head overall, but it definitely feels like it's my first run because I barely remember anything from making the first three fursuits LOL. But I still think it's going alright- it's certainly a challenge, but it's one that I've been enjoying thoroughly! What *will* be a good challenge next, though, is getting my mannequin head prepared for taping the inner lining- never have I ever modified a mannequin head, nor have I ever made any kind of lining to any of my fursuit parts in the past. Most of the time I'd just glue shit onto a balaclava mask and hope for the best, but since these balaclavas were made to keep you warm in the winter they became like ovens to wear. I definitely don't recommend doing this for any fursuit project ever and would advise any beginners to either just sink the extra money into getting a pre-build balaclava made specifically for fursuiting, or spend the extra time and resources to learn how to make your own.

I don't quite like the idea of live-blogging about my mental state to the entire internet, but just to give a surface-level summary of what's been going on with me as of late; things could definitely be better. The cause of all this stress is beyond me at this point, as I just can't remember what exactly got me over the edge, but I was in a state of perpetual hyperarousal - as my therapist likes to put it - where everything is extra heightened because of whatever triggered me into this state. I've at least managed to keep myself afloat to this point, which I suppose is an achievement in itself, but with my trip now being official I feel as though a light has switched inside of my head. Finally, after so long, I have something tangible to work for, actual plans happening in my life that I've been working towards for ages, and need to continue working for to make sure it comes to fruition. Don't get me wrong, this alone hasn't cured me of everything and I'm still dealing with a lot of overwhelm, but I feel like my outlook on things have gotten a lot better, at least for the near future.

Soon I hope to return to physiotherapy for some maintenance check-ups before I leave for my trip, just to make sure that things are in good enough working order as I can get them to be before I put my body through what I imagine will be a lot of strain, but I'm at least sure that this strain will be completely worth it.